One of the biggest challenges of teaching middle schoolers is that I’m not supposed to laugh when they say hilarious things. I’m supposed to keep my teacher face on and continue with my lesson. But there’s nothing stopping me from copying down their comments when they’re not looking. And out of the classroom, I figure it’s all fair game. Even better is that most of you guys aren’t teachers, and are in no way obligated to keep a straight face when you read these. So, for your entertainment… the “I work with children” quote wall. Names have been abbreviated to protect the minors from abject humiliation.
Note: occasionally, other people say funny things too. These might show up here as well.
(two kids working on a project together)
S: We’re broke, man. We don’t have the money for poster board. We live in a box!
L: Then how does your mom have the money for you to play football?
S: I don’t play on a team. I play street football! I tackle in the street. I’m from the ghetto, homey. I was raised on white bread and bologna.
A: What’s it called when a bird poops out an egg?
E: Umm… reproducing?
Me: (seeing a student on the floor near my desk) P, what are you doing?
P: Oh, I was just crawling around.
Me: (noticing two girls tilting their desks back) Girls, can we keep the desks still? What are you doing?
N: I was climbing my desk, like Spiderman!
(watching a National Geographic special on the Grand Canyon, the narrator says scientists don’t fully know how the Grand Canyon was formed.)
S: God made it, you turd!
P: I’ve been to two ghost towns. One was in Kansas. The other was called K-Mart.
T: [So-and-so] can’t fall in love, because nobody falls in love in their uniforms! (note: FCA has a uniform dress code.)
(on the board during a student-led lesson)
Class rules:
No talking.
No Venus-showing (boys) or other “planets” (I’m serious!)
No groping.
Me: C, what’s in your mouth?
C: a planet.
C: J put Venus in his mouth!
J: No I didn’t, it was Mercury!
Me: (after confiscating planets from students, look on the desk and realize that they’re all gone again) hand over the planets! (get planets from three students, hold them up) okay, guys, how many planets in the solar system?
(note that the planets had nothing to do with the lesson, which was about insects. However, there was an old solar system project from the 6th grade science class on the shelf. It had been there for two weeks, which apparently meant it was up for grabs. We learn a lot in Ms. Lauren’s class…)
Z: I love you, M.
M: … (no response)
Z: I love you, M! M, I love you!
M: Well, I hate you.
Z: You’re not supposed to hate anyone. God says to love everyone.
M: I don’t care.
Z: I don’t mean I “like you”, like you. I mean I love you as a person. And I like Ms. Lauren as a teacher and I love her as one of God’s people.
M: Well, I don’t like you either way.
(multiple choice question on a social studies test:)
Q: What is the most widely distributed carnivorous animal in the New World?
A: bighorn sheep.
Me (during a Health discussion on positive relationships): So guys, what are some good qualities of a friend?
C: a friend with benefits!
N: why am I the only one you tell not to talk?
Me: Well, you’re the one I always notice.
N: that’s because my hair attracts your eyes.
(kids coming up with a scenario for a peer pressure skit)
V: let’s say I was chewing weed…
(question about positive attitudes from a Health test)
Q: what should you do when you’re dealing with ingratitude?
A: think of starving kids in China.
(question from a Health test)
Q: How can anger have a negative impact on your life?
A: Depression hurts, Cymbalta can help.
C (in reference to J texting during class): I know what you’re doing in your desk, no one smiles at their crotch.
E: I swear, if that goes out of this room, we’ll pour scalding water on your sunburn!
Z: No you won’t, cause I’ll get a Jewish lawyer to defend me.
C: Well, that Jewish lawyer will have a sunburn and we’ll pour scalding water on his arm too!
Z: You want to pour water on me? Well, I’ll get a bucket of acid from a construction site that can be used on nuclear monsters and put it in your morning pumpkin juice!!
E: *spits water on the floor laughing*
(from summer camp)
A: I’ll watch the little kids, because I’m old. I’m already five and a half.
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